Chinese EV's that can wipe their asses are cool, but not for the reason you think

It’s fun times in the car world. Especially when look at Chinese car manufacturers. They seem to do everything to make cars more than cars. They seem to think they can also be play houses on wheels.

And why not. There is no one in the world that would object to being able to do more in or with a car. Even if the use cases are laughably idiotic or just painfully pointless.

Case in point the Denza Z9 GT I’m looking at right now during a press event in Milano. It’s huge, heavy, insanely powerful and luxurious beyond believe. So far it’s just what you expect from a new Chinese car brand that tries to elbow it’s way into the European market. It has to, because it want to compete with the big boys like Porsche and BMW.

This car can do things no other car can or should be able to do. For example: it can slide its ass into a tight parking spot. That means a Denza Z9 GT-owner is not required to have any parking skills whatsoever. Also having no shame about that will come in handy. The 5.2 meters long giant requires its driver to be able to dive into a parking spot next to the kerb (hopefully without damaging the rims). It wil turn it's rear wheels both in and out, block the front wheel next to the kerb and wipe its rubbery butt in line with the rest. Tada, perfectly parked.

I say wipe, with a reason. This manoeuvre takes its toll on the back rubber. The car is in essence doing a slow motion burnout to overcome friction and be able move sideways without any lateral movement. But it looks cool, so Denza thought it would be worth it. Engineers told me you can do this about 1600 times before you need to change your tires, but that is not counting any driven kilometers on the same tires, so maybe a bit less.

It can also act like a crab. It can turn al four wheels in the same direction and slide up to 10 degrees sideways. Looks cool, so Denza thought it would a good thing to add it to the car. After seeing Multiple Z9 GT's doing this same party trick, I cannot for the life of me tell me when and why you would ever use this feature in real life situations. Everytime they showed the 'Crab Walking' car I, and presumably everyone around me could only think: "why wouldn't you just steer like a regular car in the same direction?"

But that is not the point of the ability of the Chinese car to wipe its own ass and act like a drunk lunatic on the open road. You have to zoom out to make sense of these seemingly senseless features almost no one will ever use.

You see, Denza - and a lot of other young Chinese brands for that matter - have one huge speed bump they have to get over: heritage. Especially in the premium market, where most of these brands seem to focus their efforts on, this plays a huge role. The problem: the Chinese don't have any. Nobody knows Denza and what they stand for, but they're asking six figures for their cars.

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People that get to spend that kind of money are looking for something that represents the fact they spend that kind of money. Buying a Porsche does exactly that. Buying a Denza, Nio, Xpeng or Voyah does not. Going up in the market makes this even worse, going down a little less, because a lot of people can drive new cars in leasing constructions, which mitigates the risk. Or to put it in other words: you can test drive a new brand for a couple of years and get rid of it after de lease expires, no questions asked.

So the Chinese need to do different things to get the eyes on their products. One thing they do, and have always done with all of the products they produce is undercutting on price and delivering more luxury. That makes the cars on paper a lot more attractive, but that only goes so far. In the more expensive classes, you can very quickly get into a class of luxury that is hard to compare. Tick off great seats, a nice audio system, big screens, amazing quality materials and you are pretty much there. After that you get into the area of diminishing returns.

But while a Porsche can massage your back, it can't wipe its own ass into a parking space. And can it Crab Walk? Or can it turn in a 4.5 meter turning circle? It sure as hell cannot!

Maybe you and me think these features are very gimmicky and you'd maybe show it to your friends once, people at the presentation seemed to think it was the best thing they've seen since sliced bread. When a Denza Z9 GT with an printed A4-paper for a number plate slid it's big buttocks out of a parking space in a small street in Milano, the surround crowd roared into live. A deafening amount of cars started honking. I must admit, that might have had something to do with the Denza blocking the street for all traffic. When the car slid back towards the kerb, the sequence of events repeated itself.

The Denza Z9 GT begin able to do these party tricks is not about technical innovation. Steering back wheels are nothing new. The disregard for rubber usage while using this technology is. But that's not what makes it cool. The fact it can do these things makes the car cool. It makes it stand out from the rest of the brands. It makes you stand out when you are the cool person that actually has the balls to buy one. And that starts the ball rolling.

The Chinese need to come up with these 'innovations' to get into a market. And we, like a happy crowd at a magic show, seem to fall for the illusion. I'll let you decide if all this is laughably idiotic or just painfully pointless.

Cheers,

Dennis